Journeying from anti-hero to hero

I know I am not the only one who has had Taylor Swift's new hit song "Anti-Hero" stuck in my head on repeat. The song skillfully touches on themes of negative identity, accountability, and ego. The video is linked below but here is a sample of some of the song's most profound lyrics:

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room
I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis
Tale as old as time
I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving ‘cause you got tired of my scheming - for the last time
It’s me
Hi
I’m the problem, it’s me
At teatime
Everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Wow, I can't tell you how deeply this resonated with me from a therapist perspective, I have had so many clients enter my office deep in the "anti-hero" role Swift describes above. Much attention is paid to those who are victimized by other's bad behavior, many songs are dedicated to the person who is struggling with the cheating partner, the absent partner, the addict partner, the partner who just can't seem to get their shit together! And we all empathize with this. But rarely do we have someone step up and own that ya, I am aware that I am the problem! This scenario is all too common and overdue for exploration.

​Before Swift's "Anti-Hero" came out I ran a group for chronically relapsing addicts in treatment on accountability and shame. At some point in the group I would bring up the lyric from The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes:" "No one knows what it's like, for the bad man, for the sad man, behind blue eyes." Similar to Swift's song, this song explores the often hidden challenges of getting to a place in your life and realizing that you have made serious mistakes and can be construed as the villain in other people's stories, which is an extremely isolating experience. Every addict (and many others who find themselves in therapy) faces the horrible realization that not only have you gone through trauma and been hurt by people, but you have probably traumatized and hurt people too in the ways that you dealt with your own hurt and confusion.

​Feeling guilt is the natural reaction to hurting others. Guilt is adaptive, it's empathetic, it helps us learn from our mistakes and right our wrongs so that we can live more aligned to our values and have better relationships with ourselves and others. Guilt makes us feel bad for what we've done, but shame makes us feel bad for who we are. Shame is paralyzing, it becomes an identity, it is counterproductive and ends up furthering the cycle of the hurtful behavior. Shame is being the anti hero. Shame is being the bad man and the sad man behind blue eyes. Shame is what gets people to a place where blinding themselves looking at the sun (or drinking/drugging/working/hating themselves to death) seems like the easier option than looking in the mirror. Over identifying with your mistakes (shame) makes taking accountability nearly impossible. And as the song says, that is exhausting for everyone, because it essentially makes you the victim for the ways in which you've victimized others. Anyone who has sought accountability and has been shut down knows this experience all too well. This experience is so universal that it is depicted in that catalog of archetypes, the tarot deck, by "The Hanged Man." 

​The Hanged Man card portrays the universal life experience of human suffering, not just our own suffering, but the ways in which we may inadvertently make others suffer as well. Making mistakes is difficult for our Ego (which constructs identities/masks for us to wear) to bear and we can get "hung up" in this paralyzing place, unable to take further action. It's also an unavoidable part of life. How do we get unstuck? The card gives us a clue, by putting our ego aside, being less selfish, and taking accountability for our fallible nature. This ultimately sets us free and is a crucial growth experience. Over identifying with the "anti-hero" parts of your self might seem like a form of accountability or penance but ultimately it keeps you stuck, which is exhausting for you and everyone else.

So how do you get unstuck? Admitting that you are dissatisfied with your reactions and interactions in life is a big step, a giant step(!), and is often the beginning of therapy.  I've often thought that therapy resembles the hero's journey, a common device used in literature from The Lord of the Rings to The Hunger Games to Oliver Twist and many more. Being dissatisfied is your call to the adventure of therapy where you meet your mentor, try things and fail, learn new skills, your old ego identities that you have been lugging around die and new preferred identities are reborn, through these changes you are able to have some revelations about your life, atone for your mistakes, receive many of the beautiful gifts life has to offer, and leave therapy changed, grateful for the turmoil that made you begin this journey in the first place.

Final takeaway: if you are resonating with Taylor Swift's "Anti-Hero" a little more than you are comfortable with, I hope you take comfort in knowing that you are not alone, that you are actually taking a big step in gaining self awareness, that therapy is for you too, and that these feelings of discomfort are just the beginning to a greater awareness of self (if you let it be!). By acknowledging ALL of the hero and anti-hero parts of self (hopefully with a trusted guide to help you), you will begin to sing new songs. Your identity as the anti-hero is just a pit stop along the way, a necessary trial you go through along the larger hero's journey we are all on.