Why We Hate Getting Advice

Let me start this post off with a disclaimer by saying, I know that some people like getting advice and that there are many situations where advice is warranted. I have to admit, I love reading advice columns (and listening to advice podcasts) myself sometimes. And every once in a while you get a little kernel of practical wisdom that genuinely points you in the right direction.

But is there anything worse than bearing your soul, revealing a problem that you are truly struggling with, either to your therapist (especially your therapist), your family, friends, or romantic partner and getting some common sense solution in return? Of course, this advice is mostly always well meaning but let's set the record straight right now. 

The solution to struggling with your body image is usually not just cutting carbs.
The solution to rekindling the passion in your marriage is usually not just going out for a date night.
The solution to coping with a chronic illness is usually not just doing yoga. 
The solution to struggling to find a job is usually not just revising your resume and "sending it around".
The solution to loneliness is usually not just joining a social club.
​The solution to reconnecting with a parent or child is usually not just picking up the phone.
The solution to depression is usually not just thinking positive thoughts.
The solution to nightmares is usually not just listening to soothing music before bed.
The list goes on and on....

Now, I added the disclaimer of usually because I am a believer in never say never. What doesn’t work for most might still work for some, and that is perfectly okay. For some of us, we genuinely never thought of a pretty straightforward solution and once we had that, we’re good.

But usually, we know the common sense solutions to our problems. Especially if we are at the point where we think a therapist might be helpful. We have typically tried or thought up these common sense solutions to our problems before and there is something mentally and emotionally blocking us from simply enacting one of these solutions and moving on with our lives. 

That’s what makes a problem a problem and not just another part of life, the problem doesn’t go away by doing something straightforward and common sense. Life’s everyday challenges can go away with an easy fix. But the problems and patterns that we feel stuck in? These are emotionally charged. They often carry deeply held meanings about ourselves, others, and the world that we have held onto, maybe even from childhood. While some of these meanings we might be able to see are hurting us and we need to let go of, other parts might feel like they are protecting us, or are a part of our identity. It takes work to separate the wheat from the chaff.  

The other key word in the list above is “just.” Sure, doing yoga, picking up the phone, and going out for more date nights are often really helpful, but they are like the tip of the iceberg. They are the products of our deeper, behind the scenes, inner work to unblock the things that are holding us back from doing what we know is rational and healthy for us. This is no small feat! While advice is helpful, we need more than just advice to move us through the problems that we work through in life.

In a nutshell, personal problems are not superficial problems! They require processing, consultation, varying levels of time, courage, inner strength, and checking your work. I have sometimes thought, having the privilege to collaborate with clients as they work through their personal problems is like seeing upper level physics PhD’s work through algorithms, it is important work and it is no joke. And the best thing is you can do it regardless of your level of education and skill (we are all the experts on ourselves after all). While advice talks down to us, telling us what to do, the real work of therapy pushes us inward and upward, towards solutions that change the very nature of our approach to life, often fixing many of our smaller seemingly unconnected problems in the process.

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